Tuesday, March 09, 2004
Draft for the Eulogy of my Metabolism
We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Gretel's metabolism and mourn its passing.
For twenty long years it kept the chub off Gretel's waist. Through its hard and dedicated work, there was no chocolate bar too fatty, no fast-food marathon weekend too disgusting, no bag of Skittles too big, to make Gretel put on extra weight. From the days at Monti's when Gretel saw her first dimple of cellulite to the semester of starvation and walking up and down Glebe Point Road all day, Gretel's metabolism worked tirelessly to let her enjoy the finer things in life without having to consider going to a gym.
But all good things must come to an end and it was Gretel's metabolism's time. We first noticed something was wrong when the last button popped off Gretel's last pair of pants and she realised she would have to fork out for a new pair. Her metabolism always seemed so vibrant and flexible and it was a shock to all of us, especially Gretel, when it came to light that Gretel would eventually have to stop stuffing her face everytime she walked past a 7-11.
Thankyou for twenty long years of service to Gretel. We have also received several messages of condolence from Cadbury, KFC and McDonalds.
***********************
Sydney Afternoon Herald, 9/3/04
"GHOST OF GRETEL'S METABOLSIM ROCKS GRETEL'S WALLET"
Local Taichung resident Gretel Bobskins was admitted involuntarily to the Insititute of Stop Buying Junk Food after insane claims that her metabolism is haunting her from the afterlife.
"I swear its taken control of me! Everytime I walk past a convenience store, I feel something grab me by the shoulders and drag me kicking and screaming into to the store. I can't escape it, it could only be an unearthly force that compels me to go in! You've got to believe me!"
Gretel went on to disclose that not only does she get dragged to the door, it takes her all the way to the chocolate section where it forces her to linger in front of a selection of six different Dove bars, Twixes, and some cheap Taiwanese chocolate bars and she must quickly choose, only after doing so can she then be allowed to feel human again.
"Gretel suffers from what we in the weight loss industry call 'I love Chocolate' Syndrome. It affects many women aged between 9 and 99 and if it goes untreated for too long, patients begin to put on weight," Says Dr. Lipo.
¶ 15:56
We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Gretel's metabolism and mourn its passing.
For twenty long years it kept the chub off Gretel's waist. Through its hard and dedicated work, there was no chocolate bar too fatty, no fast-food marathon weekend too disgusting, no bag of Skittles too big, to make Gretel put on extra weight. From the days at Monti's when Gretel saw her first dimple of cellulite to the semester of starvation and walking up and down Glebe Point Road all day, Gretel's metabolism worked tirelessly to let her enjoy the finer things in life without having to consider going to a gym.
But all good things must come to an end and it was Gretel's metabolism's time. We first noticed something was wrong when the last button popped off Gretel's last pair of pants and she realised she would have to fork out for a new pair. Her metabolism always seemed so vibrant and flexible and it was a shock to all of us, especially Gretel, when it came to light that Gretel would eventually have to stop stuffing her face everytime she walked past a 7-11.
Thankyou for twenty long years of service to Gretel. We have also received several messages of condolence from Cadbury, KFC and McDonalds.
***********************
Sydney Afternoon Herald, 9/3/04
"GHOST OF GRETEL'S METABOLSIM ROCKS GRETEL'S WALLET"
Local Taichung resident Gretel Bobskins was admitted involuntarily to the Insititute of Stop Buying Junk Food after insane claims that her metabolism is haunting her from the afterlife.
"I swear its taken control of me! Everytime I walk past a convenience store, I feel something grab me by the shoulders and drag me kicking and screaming into to the store. I can't escape it, it could only be an unearthly force that compels me to go in! You've got to believe me!"
Gretel went on to disclose that not only does she get dragged to the door, it takes her all the way to the chocolate section where it forces her to linger in front of a selection of six different Dove bars, Twixes, and some cheap Taiwanese chocolate bars and she must quickly choose, only after doing so can she then be allowed to feel human again.
"Gretel suffers from what we in the weight loss industry call 'I love Chocolate' Syndrome. It affects many women aged between 9 and 99 and if it goes untreated for too long, patients begin to put on weight," Says Dr. Lipo.
¶ 15:56
