Love at First Web Site
Saturday, June 26, 2004
The Security Breach
By Plump Shady
The complex lay just beyond the church, its tall walls forbidding even Jesus to enter. Security was tough. But she had to get in - she could not leave what was inside, what belonged to her, inside. The front gate was bolted and padlocked. Besides, the quarters of the live-in guards were all located around there - she would have to find a way in somewhere around the back. She knew there had to be a way in. A survey of the perimeter told her the walls were 8ft tall and about one foot thick, the tops embedded with shards of broken glass protruding about 5cm into the air. The whole wall was lined with two continuous spirals of razor wire, one on top of the other. The Great Wall of Taiwan, she mused. All she needed was a reasonably-sized gap between the wall and the razor wire. Setting off to the right to begin the search, she wondered about patrol guards and the likelihood of being stunned and exposed by the bright headlights of a security vehicle. And then what would happen? She distracted herself from this line of thought by concentrating on the task at hand.
The back wall of the complex was on a slope and she was relieved to find that as one section of wall connected to the next, the diagonal direction of the razor wire left small triangular gaps in the corners. The first one was small, and would require her to crawl over the wall head-first and figure out a way of landing on her feet. She kept walking. She was optimistic, depsite the darkness, and the exposure of the wall to the road that ran alongside it. She had walked down this road once before, and joked with her companion that this was where Taiwan must be hiding their anti-mainland missiles. Tonight, she wouldn't be surprised if this was true. The presence of the razor wire was leaving a harsh, cold impression on her.
She spotted a good gap, estimating that her long legs, bent inwards, would just be able to follow her torso sideways through that gap. She smiled and reached up to feel for glass. She was wearing a pair of old flip-flops, and a short black office skirt, hardly suitable for a spot of rockclimbing. She finally regretted not keeping up with the climbing - this was doable but her strength was down. Her determination, however, was up, and she knew there was a way over this wall. She was already lucky enough to have found that gap. The mission was half complete. She continued down the wall to the southern end of the complex. Bingo - some kind of industrial looking building with a pile of bread crates stacked next to the wall. There was not a light on inside the building, no sign of dogs, and no hum of a car coming down the road. She decided she only needed a couple. She grabbed them, wet and dirty in her arms, and walked the 200m back to the gap. Still no sign of life on the road. Things were running smoothly, much more smoothly than she had forecasted. The two crates allowed her to check out the surface of the wall on which she would soon be lying belly-down. Much of the glass had been chipped away. A couple of pieces still lying on top she brushed off and attempted the climb. The crates weren't enough. She walked back along the muddy path to the building and this time she grabbed another five to take back with her. It was now that she considered how to manage the stack of crates that would be left on the other side of the wall to be seen at sunrise. There was no way of taking them over the wall with her. First thing's first - get over the wall.
STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF PLUMP SHADY'S EXCITIING NEW NOVEL!
¶ 18:19 0 Comments
By Plump Shady
The complex lay just beyond the church, its tall walls forbidding even Jesus to enter. Security was tough. But she had to get in - she could not leave what was inside, what belonged to her, inside. The front gate was bolted and padlocked. Besides, the quarters of the live-in guards were all located around there - she would have to find a way in somewhere around the back. She knew there had to be a way in. A survey of the perimeter told her the walls were 8ft tall and about one foot thick, the tops embedded with shards of broken glass protruding about 5cm into the air. The whole wall was lined with two continuous spirals of razor wire, one on top of the other. The Great Wall of Taiwan, she mused. All she needed was a reasonably-sized gap between the wall and the razor wire. Setting off to the right to begin the search, she wondered about patrol guards and the likelihood of being stunned and exposed by the bright headlights of a security vehicle. And then what would happen? She distracted herself from this line of thought by concentrating on the task at hand.
The back wall of the complex was on a slope and she was relieved to find that as one section of wall connected to the next, the diagonal direction of the razor wire left small triangular gaps in the corners. The first one was small, and would require her to crawl over the wall head-first and figure out a way of landing on her feet. She kept walking. She was optimistic, depsite the darkness, and the exposure of the wall to the road that ran alongside it. She had walked down this road once before, and joked with her companion that this was where Taiwan must be hiding their anti-mainland missiles. Tonight, she wouldn't be surprised if this was true. The presence of the razor wire was leaving a harsh, cold impression on her.
She spotted a good gap, estimating that her long legs, bent inwards, would just be able to follow her torso sideways through that gap. She smiled and reached up to feel for glass. She was wearing a pair of old flip-flops, and a short black office skirt, hardly suitable for a spot of rockclimbing. She finally regretted not keeping up with the climbing - this was doable but her strength was down. Her determination, however, was up, and she knew there was a way over this wall. She was already lucky enough to have found that gap. The mission was half complete. She continued down the wall to the southern end of the complex. Bingo - some kind of industrial looking building with a pile of bread crates stacked next to the wall. There was not a light on inside the building, no sign of dogs, and no hum of a car coming down the road. She decided she only needed a couple. She grabbed them, wet and dirty in her arms, and walked the 200m back to the gap. Still no sign of life on the road. Things were running smoothly, much more smoothly than she had forecasted. The two crates allowed her to check out the surface of the wall on which she would soon be lying belly-down. Much of the glass had been chipped away. A couple of pieces still lying on top she brushed off and attempted the climb. The crates weren't enough. She walked back along the muddy path to the building and this time she grabbed another five to take back with her. It was now that she considered how to manage the stack of crates that would be left on the other side of the wall to be seen at sunrise. There was no way of taking them over the wall with her. First thing's first - get over the wall.
STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF PLUMP SHADY'S EXCITIING NEW NOVEL!
¶ 18:19 0 Comments
Feel Sorry For Me!
Dudes, I got totally run over by a car driving to work on Friday. I didn't have to go to work though. My boss even came to the hospital and made sure everything was in order for me. Yeah so I'm all bandaged up ready for Hong Kong with the iodine swimming around making me feel like a walking cactus. Nasty abrasions. A huge one on my right arm. I hope it doesn't scar. Probably should choose somewhere slightly better than Chongking mansions though seeing as though I have to look after my wounds etc. Sigh. I still went out last night but it was so not worth it because we ended up at the Pen again. That place is lame. I was dying from the heat coz I was wearing boots, jeans, and a long sleeved top to cover up all the damage. Seeing as though the dorms are all locked up after 11pm, I stayed in an empty room in the Nanbaigong with Elizabeth. That place is seedy. There's a deserted room taken up by empty food containers, a messy double bed, and about an hundred large bottles of ice tea that are all over the room and look like they've been there for ages. Mystery. I'm off to the airport in one hour! Leaving the country again, cool. ¶ 18:06 0 Comments
Dudes, I got totally run over by a car driving to work on Friday. I didn't have to go to work though. My boss even came to the hospital and made sure everything was in order for me. Yeah so I'm all bandaged up ready for Hong Kong with the iodine swimming around making me feel like a walking cactus. Nasty abrasions. A huge one on my right arm. I hope it doesn't scar. Probably should choose somewhere slightly better than Chongking mansions though seeing as though I have to look after my wounds etc. Sigh. I still went out last night but it was so not worth it because we ended up at the Pen again. That place is lame. I was dying from the heat coz I was wearing boots, jeans, and a long sleeved top to cover up all the damage. Seeing as though the dorms are all locked up after 11pm, I stayed in an empty room in the Nanbaigong with Elizabeth. That place is seedy. There's a deserted room taken up by empty food containers, a messy double bed, and about an hundred large bottles of ice tea that are all over the room and look like they've been there for ages. Mystery. I'm off to the airport in one hour! Leaving the country again, cool. ¶ 18:06 0 Comments
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
In other news I moved into the old dorms this morning. Huge room, with a balcony and a railing fat enough to put an ashtray on it. And I scored myself a bottom bunk. Then I had tea with Maryanne and said goodbye. She's leaving tomorrow morning. In one hour I got to know her faster than I did in nine months or whatever and I finally got to see what really makes her tick. She had a rough time in Taiwan, not unlike half the people that come here. I am looking forward to seeing her again!
Then I went off to my beautiful subbing job in Wu Fong where I was once again cross examined about how much experience I actually have. Because it's Robert's integrity on the line rather than mine, I am trying to convey the impression that I am an experienced teacher who also happens to be a horrible one at the same time, (they do exist: think my business studies teacher in Year 11) which requires me to act calm and confident and most importantly, oblivious to the fact that I am terrible. This has been good fun, because I'm pulling it off pretty successfully. I walk out of a nightmarish class and back into the office where I behave like a total bimbo and go on about how I really think I got through to the students this time and crap on about my dedication to education in English slightly above their level so they can never be sure of exactly what I am saying... as long as it looks like I think I'm making a serious attempt at the whole shebang.
I had five four year olds today. It felt like I was babysitting Ben again except this time he had four little mignons and semi-clones. This little dude grabbed the flash cards and threw them into the air and turned on the fans and played with the stereo and flopped his willy out so the girls would freak out. I kept waiting for his head to twist around 360 degrees and start vomiting but luckily it never reached that stage. Worst of all his Dad was in the foyer hearing everything and I wondered if he was expecting me to be able to control his kid and actually turn him into an English whiz or just stand there and be white for his money's worth. It was better than the adult class though. Oh, and now I know the words to "Do You Know the Fireman?" ¶ 01:29 0 Comments
Then I went off to my beautiful subbing job in Wu Fong where I was once again cross examined about how much experience I actually have. Because it's Robert's integrity on the line rather than mine, I am trying to convey the impression that I am an experienced teacher who also happens to be a horrible one at the same time, (they do exist: think my business studies teacher in Year 11) which requires me to act calm and confident and most importantly, oblivious to the fact that I am terrible. This has been good fun, because I'm pulling it off pretty successfully. I walk out of a nightmarish class and back into the office where I behave like a total bimbo and go on about how I really think I got through to the students this time and crap on about my dedication to education in English slightly above their level so they can never be sure of exactly what I am saying... as long as it looks like I think I'm making a serious attempt at the whole shebang.
I had five four year olds today. It felt like I was babysitting Ben again except this time he had four little mignons and semi-clones. This little dude grabbed the flash cards and threw them into the air and turned on the fans and played with the stereo and flopped his willy out so the girls would freak out. I kept waiting for his head to twist around 360 degrees and start vomiting but luckily it never reached that stage. Worst of all his Dad was in the foyer hearing everything and I wondered if he was expecting me to be able to control his kid and actually turn him into an English whiz or just stand there and be white for his money's worth. It was better than the adult class though. Oh, and now I know the words to "Do You Know the Fireman?" ¶ 01:29 0 Comments
Saturday, June 19, 2004
I saw Ladykillers the other day. It had a nice soundtrack and sounded as if Moby had something to do with it.
Last night it was back to the Pig Pen, or shall I just call it the Pen, seeing as though we are the pigs that live in it, with Lily, Maryanne, her roommate, Curtis and Vic, and Jenny, and the Indonesian girl who I feel looks like the Chinese version of Leanne Rhymes. Oh I can't spell that. Gyan from the language centre was there too with his classmate. It was a strange bunch really, the majority of which overruled my Let's Go Somewhere Else plea. So I hobbled in and ended up dancing and having a good time etc. Elizabeth's friend's friend whom I met once before asked me out and told me he liked me in those words and I'm like wow that's exactly what everyone's been telling me to say to the dude I have liked for ages. So that's what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a declaration of someone's feelings. So yeah I'm like Thanks and then I wondered what I should do/say next because well I hardly know him even though I can tell he's a nice guy. Then he told me I had a big nose, was buxom, and couldn't dance. He didn't say it all at once though. As sensitive as I am I was mostly relieved to hang out with someone so honest and who gets to the pointy especially in this country of Face and Bullsh.t. Then he walked me to my scooter and waited for a pash but I had ash-tray + beer breath so I decided against it, for his sake, and I probably would have if not for that little problem... but I would not know what that would have meant to him e.g. would we automatically be an item or could we have a few pashes but keep our options open. ¶ 18:15 0 Comments
Last night it was back to the Pig Pen, or shall I just call it the Pen, seeing as though we are the pigs that live in it, with Lily, Maryanne, her roommate, Curtis and Vic, and Jenny, and the Indonesian girl who I feel looks like the Chinese version of Leanne Rhymes. Oh I can't spell that. Gyan from the language centre was there too with his classmate. It was a strange bunch really, the majority of which overruled my Let's Go Somewhere Else plea. So I hobbled in and ended up dancing and having a good time etc. Elizabeth's friend's friend whom I met once before asked me out and told me he liked me in those words and I'm like wow that's exactly what everyone's been telling me to say to the dude I have liked for ages. So that's what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a declaration of someone's feelings. So yeah I'm like Thanks and then I wondered what I should do/say next because well I hardly know him even though I can tell he's a nice guy. Then he told me I had a big nose, was buxom, and couldn't dance. He didn't say it all at once though. As sensitive as I am I was mostly relieved to hang out with someone so honest and who gets to the pointy especially in this country of Face and Bullsh.t. Then he walked me to my scooter and waited for a pash but I had ash-tray + beer breath so I decided against it, for his sake, and I probably would have if not for that little problem... but I would not know what that would have meant to him e.g. would we automatically be an item or could we have a few pashes but keep our options open. ¶ 18:15 0 Comments
I started the subbing job today. Rob was supposed to get someone with experience and they were a little skeptical about me so I made up for it by being extra cool and friendly to distract them. It was going swimmingly until the 2-hour long Adult class at 7. I was all geared up to teach these people the ins and outs of the Present Simple. I had spent all day thinking about how I was going to explain the difference between 'I'm going' and 'I go' and studying the whole chapter so I wouldn't run out of stuff to throw at them. So I walk in and five minutes into the class I realise these people cannot speak any English at all and I was prematurely hit with the realisation that my philosophical musings of the differences between 'I Go' and 'I'm Going' would never be appreciated tonight. Half an hour into the class, I realised that half of them did not know how to tell the time, which was vital to the lesson I was supposed to give. So I filled the board with scribbled clocks and pie graphs and explanations of the origins of 'o'clock' until the smart-ass antics of the elementary school teacher who actually teaches English for a living (is there a god?) finally got on my nerves and stayed there and I made them all shut up and do a workbook exercise for 10 minutes.
The boss was watching the whole thing, and this chick that works at the school who also participates in the adult classes TAPED THE LESSON. I can see it now: They play it back and all you hear is "So um... do you find this easy or difficult? Do you understand? (and to the know-it-all school teacher:) This textbook does not place a hyphon between two and thirty because in Taiwan these days only American English is taught, and American English has been simplified to increase literacy rates in the US thereby benefitting the nation as a whole" (not that she gave a sh/t - she asked me if Australians originally immigrated from America or from England. Thanks man, you f/cking bimbo bitch, get a f/cking EDUCATION for f/ck's sake - she's responsible for teaching the Taiwanese youth of today?)... Followed by silence, seeing as though none of them understand the words 'easy', 'difficult', or 'understand'. [Insert two pages of further whining and complaining here] That woman reminds me of the time Qili was asked by some old hag what it feels like to live in a communist country. Qili is from East Germany and is my age. ¶ 00:03 0 Comments
The boss was watching the whole thing, and this chick that works at the school who also participates in the adult classes TAPED THE LESSON. I can see it now: They play it back and all you hear is "So um... do you find this easy or difficult? Do you understand? (and to the know-it-all school teacher:) This textbook does not place a hyphon between two and thirty because in Taiwan these days only American English is taught, and American English has been simplified to increase literacy rates in the US thereby benefitting the nation as a whole" (not that she gave a sh/t - she asked me if Australians originally immigrated from America or from England. Thanks man, you f/cking bimbo bitch, get a f/cking EDUCATION for f/ck's sake - she's responsible for teaching the Taiwanese youth of today?)... Followed by silence, seeing as though none of them understand the words 'easy', 'difficult', or 'understand'. [Insert two pages of further whining and complaining here] That woman reminds me of the time Qili was asked by some old hag what it feels like to live in a communist country. Qili is from East Germany and is my age. ¶ 00:03 0 Comments
Wednesday, June 16, 2004
You can see two Australian McDonalds TV ads at www.smh.com.au (McDonald's Bites Back) in retaliation to that movie where the guy eats Maccas for thirty days straight and gets liver problems, in which the CEO seems to fancy himself another 11-year-old smart-arse in a Year 6 interschool debating competition. "Eating lots of food and not exercising is not good for you. We could have told you that." Wow what a come-back. It must have taken their best marketing geniuses to come up with that little line. The Okka In a Suit image does not appeal to me, nor does the lame attempt to defend themselves against something which cannot be denied unless you play around with some words and make like you have come up with a brilliant revelation that noone would have thought of. I can totally see this ad being screened during the lame-okka show A Current Affair or even 60 Minutes when the feature is a story about the movie biased towards McDonalds. And also the football.
¶ 19:33 0 Comments
Sunday, June 13, 2004
Einar left today. Last night he, Curtis, Andrew and I went into 'classy' mode and went to the Liquid Lounge where the music was in that trippy Moby-style style. We ordered two expensive bottles of wine and I got to pretend that I was intrigued and judgemental as I read the wine list totally having no idea how to tell one from the other. "Liz how do you feel about a Beaujolais?" and I'm like "Hmmm, a satisfactory choice."
Then we moved on to Seduce then at threeish to Einar's roof. I must say, Einar's roof is a much better roof than Adam's roof. The floor is tiled and there are chairs and bbqs etc. Adam's roof is in a boring concrete style with a bunch of cement structural pylon-thingies that never saw the 7th floor that they were built to support. Sean was awake and hung out for a while. Hey Ingunn I stole a Heineken promotional item! I have joined the ranks of the most daring Heineken Promotional Item Thieves. It was suction-capped to the beer fridge door at the OK Mart. The guy saw me do it too, and saw it in my handbag when I paid for my M&Ms, but he didn't give a sh/t, perhaps because it was three a.m. and he was in a general non-confrontational kind of mood, which is my guess.
So now, there are no more Icelanders in Taiwan. The Icelandic expat community of two has all but disappeared! Missing them both. ¶ 22:40 0 Comments
Then we moved on to Seduce then at threeish to Einar's roof. I must say, Einar's roof is a much better roof than Adam's roof. The floor is tiled and there are chairs and bbqs etc. Adam's roof is in a boring concrete style with a bunch of cement structural pylon-thingies that never saw the 7th floor that they were built to support. Sean was awake and hung out for a while. Hey Ingunn I stole a Heineken promotional item! I have joined the ranks of the most daring Heineken Promotional Item Thieves. It was suction-capped to the beer fridge door at the OK Mart. The guy saw me do it too, and saw it in my handbag when I paid for my M&Ms, but he didn't give a sh/t, perhaps because it was three a.m. and he was in a general non-confrontational kind of mood, which is my guess.
So now, there are no more Icelanders in Taiwan. The Icelandic expat community of two has all but disappeared! Missing them both. ¶ 22:40 0 Comments
Reasons why the email below screws with your mind:
1) It doesn't appear to be a scam because
a) It's neither from Algeria nor Dr Mustafa San Diego Mustafa
b) I went to the website and it looks like they went to the trouble of hiring a web designer
c) It doesn't seem to make any demands of you apart from contacting them via email
2) As soon as you read it you think, what a scam, but in the two seconds before the cursor arrives at the delete button the mere idea of being given a million bucks totally overrides the cynic, rational forces inside you and you start to get all curious about it
3) It was crafted exactly with the above mentioned effect in mind... likesay.
Ah dinnae what tae do.. likesay. It seems completely harmless to write and see what happens, but like that even seems risky because you can never be too careful these days.
So that leaves two groups of people left over: The ones that write, and find out what happens, and the ones that say Whatever, dismiss it as a crock, and spend the rest of the week supressing the little voice hiding in a wee corner of their minds niggling away like there's nae tomorrow.
P.S. Trainspotting has got me thinking in a Scottish accent.
LUCKY DAY INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT
DANTESTRAAT 904, 1102ZR AMSTERDAM-THE NETHERLANDS
REF: TLI-OP/2811-FMI0431/707
BATCH: M-IPYO/77/498/LRNL
RE: WINNING RESULT NOTIFICATION
Attn:
We are pleased to inform you today 12th of June 2004, the result of the Lottery Winners International programs held on the 10th of June 2004. Your e-mail address/company name attached to ticket number 30511056441-0282 with serial number 797-902187 drew lucky numbers 8-61-17-22-46-84 which Consequently won in the 2nd category, you have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of US$1,500,000 (One Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars Only)
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Due to mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that You keep your winning information very confidential till Your claims has been processed and your prize/money Remitted to you. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants. All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 200,000,000 company and 300,000,000 individual email addresses and names from all over the world.
This Promotional program takes place annually. We hope with part of Your winning you will take part in our next year USD10 million International lottery.
To file for your claim, please contact our/your fiducial Claim Department.
CONSUTANTS $ CLAIM DEPARTMENT
Web Site:www.luckyday.nl
MR, SANDER DE BOER.
(Director of Operations)
TEL: +31 627 542 883
FAX: +31 645 838 572
Fax: +31 645 800 581
Email:luckydaylotteryi@netscape.net
Note that all winning must be claimed not later than 30th of June 2004. After this date all unclaimed, Funds will be included in the next stake. Please note In order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications. Please remember to quote your reference number and Batch numbers in all correspondence. Furthermore, Should there be any change of address do inform our claim department as soon as possible.
Congratulations once more from our members of staff and thank You for being part of our promotional program.
Note: Anybody under the age of 18 is automatically disqualified.
Sincerely yours,
MRS,LYDIA VAN ROSSEM
(Lottery Coordinator).
¶ 22:17 0 Comments
1) It doesn't appear to be a scam because
a) It's neither from Algeria nor Dr Mustafa San Diego Mustafa
b) I went to the website and it looks like they went to the trouble of hiring a web designer
c) It doesn't seem to make any demands of you apart from contacting them via email
2) As soon as you read it you think, what a scam, but in the two seconds before the cursor arrives at the delete button the mere idea of being given a million bucks totally overrides the cynic, rational forces inside you and you start to get all curious about it
3) It was crafted exactly with the above mentioned effect in mind... likesay.
Ah dinnae what tae do.. likesay. It seems completely harmless to write and see what happens, but like that even seems risky because you can never be too careful these days.
So that leaves two groups of people left over: The ones that write, and find out what happens, and the ones that say Whatever, dismiss it as a crock, and spend the rest of the week supressing the little voice hiding in a wee corner of their minds niggling away like there's nae tomorrow.
P.S. Trainspotting has got me thinking in a Scottish accent.
LUCKY DAY INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY
INTERNATIONAL PROMOTION/PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT
DANTESTRAAT 904, 1102ZR AMSTERDAM-THE NETHERLANDS
REF: TLI-OP/2811-FMI0431/707
BATCH: M-IPYO/77/498/LRNL
RE: WINNING RESULT NOTIFICATION
Attn:
We are pleased to inform you today 12th of June 2004, the result of the Lottery Winners International programs held on the 10th of June 2004. Your e-mail address/company name attached to ticket number 30511056441-0282 with serial number 797-902187 drew lucky numbers 8-61-17-22-46-84 which Consequently won in the 2nd category, you have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of US$1,500,000 (One Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars Only)
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
Due to mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that You keep your winning information very confidential till Your claims has been processed and your prize/money Remitted to you. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this program by some participants. All participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from over 200,000,000 company and 300,000,000 individual email addresses and names from all over the world.
This Promotional program takes place annually. We hope with part of Your winning you will take part in our next year USD10 million International lottery.
To file for your claim, please contact our/your fiducial Claim Department.
CONSUTANTS $ CLAIM DEPARTMENT
Web Site:www.luckyday.nl
MR, SANDER DE BOER.
(Director of Operations)
TEL: +31 627 542 883
FAX: +31 645 838 572
Fax: +31 645 800 581
Email:luckydaylotteryi@netscape.net
Note that all winning must be claimed not later than 30th of June 2004. After this date all unclaimed, Funds will be included in the next stake. Please note In order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications. Please remember to quote your reference number and Batch numbers in all correspondence. Furthermore, Should there be any change of address do inform our claim department as soon as possible.
Congratulations once more from our members of staff and thank You for being part of our promotional program.
Note: Anybody under the age of 18 is automatically disqualified.
Sincerely yours,
MRS,LYDIA VAN ROSSEM
(Lottery Coordinator).
¶ 22:17 0 Comments
Friday, June 11, 2004
Culture Shock III: Getting annoyed at stuff I should be used to by now
Today I met Xiu Li who is a friend of one of my teachers and who wanted someone to help her with a report or something. She turned up with three of her friends so I brought Lily along to ease the pressure and we sat in the cafe for three hours chatting and working on her recording of an English conversation. Today I realised that it's the same everytime - they are just so excited to be with a foreigner and it's not always obvious that they are paying attention to what kind of a person you actually are, only that you're a foreigner. I know it's not their fault but I just wish there was less face involved. It gets tiresome. It was so tiresome in fact that afterwards I felt like the next time I have to live through this again, I will charge by the hour: Sit in cafe with foreigner for $200/hour.
In this punk magazine from New York I was reading the other day, this chick was asked what she wants to do for a living. She said "Get paid to be alive". I take it noone has suggested she come to Taiwan.
Anyway, when she asked me to teach her a bit of English, I got all bitter and p/ssed off and thought to myself, soooo, she thinks she can get some free English lessons off me then, eh? and felt like telling her I will if she pays me. (I have to admit it was good practise for Chinese because they can't speak any English). I should be used to it by now but today seemed to be the first time I really acknowledged the routine. So three hours of excitement was followed by a photo shoot around campus. Once again I had to use my "I've known these people for longer than five minutes" photo-shoot smile. Then I waved them off and had a good old whinge to Lily. "Oh Lily!" I cried, "why, why, why," I continued crying, "it's excruciating" and she's like "get used to it man," and I'm like "yeah I totally know, seeing as though I've been here for eight months etc". But actually I think what got to me was when my private student's friend 'accidentally' turned up half way through the lesson I was giving her at Starbucks the other night so she could come and have her own turn at feeding the animals. But then again I think I was pissed off anyway because it was our first lesson, and she said she wanted to learn conversation, so I CONVERSED WITH HER, and then when her friend accidentally turned up she said it was 'hardly even a class', in Chinese, expecting me not to understand. I think I was majorly offended because I had spent all day stressing about it, browsing and buying books about How To Teach English, spending two hours at the campus computer centre mucking around with the staff trying to figure out why my password didn't work so that I could print out the Why Do You Want to Learn English questionnaire that I had typed up straight after I came out of Chinese class which she hardly even filled out and then kept at the end...
well that gets a few things off my chest. I didn't charge her because she wasn't satisfied and told her it was just an intro class to find out her level and what I should prepare but on second thoughts I should have charged her just for coming within one metre of her.
¶ 20:13 0 Comments
Today I met Xiu Li who is a friend of one of my teachers and who wanted someone to help her with a report or something. She turned up with three of her friends so I brought Lily along to ease the pressure and we sat in the cafe for three hours chatting and working on her recording of an English conversation. Today I realised that it's the same everytime - they are just so excited to be with a foreigner and it's not always obvious that they are paying attention to what kind of a person you actually are, only that you're a foreigner. I know it's not their fault but I just wish there was less face involved. It gets tiresome. It was so tiresome in fact that afterwards I felt like the next time I have to live through this again, I will charge by the hour: Sit in cafe with foreigner for $200/hour.
In this punk magazine from New York I was reading the other day, this chick was asked what she wants to do for a living. She said "Get paid to be alive". I take it noone has suggested she come to Taiwan.
Anyway, when she asked me to teach her a bit of English, I got all bitter and p/ssed off and thought to myself, soooo, she thinks she can get some free English lessons off me then, eh? and felt like telling her I will if she pays me. (I have to admit it was good practise for Chinese because they can't speak any English). I should be used to it by now but today seemed to be the first time I really acknowledged the routine. So three hours of excitement was followed by a photo shoot around campus. Once again I had to use my "I've known these people for longer than five minutes" photo-shoot smile. Then I waved them off and had a good old whinge to Lily. "Oh Lily!" I cried, "why, why, why," I continued crying, "it's excruciating" and she's like "get used to it man," and I'm like "yeah I totally know, seeing as though I've been here for eight months etc". But actually I think what got to me was when my private student's friend 'accidentally' turned up half way through the lesson I was giving her at Starbucks the other night so she could come and have her own turn at feeding the animals. But then again I think I was pissed off anyway because it was our first lesson, and she said she wanted to learn conversation, so I CONVERSED WITH HER, and then when her friend accidentally turned up she said it was 'hardly even a class', in Chinese, expecting me not to understand. I think I was majorly offended because I had spent all day stressing about it, browsing and buying books about How To Teach English, spending two hours at the campus computer centre mucking around with the staff trying to figure out why my password didn't work so that I could print out the Why Do You Want to Learn English questionnaire that I had typed up straight after I came out of Chinese class which she hardly even filled out and then kept at the end...
well that gets a few things off my chest. I didn't charge her because she wasn't satisfied and told her it was just an intro class to find out her level and what I should prepare but on second thoughts I should have charged her just for coming within one metre of her.
¶ 20:13 0 Comments
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
Yay! Lan Laoshi gave me 98.5% for the last test. It was easy though. Last night as I waited to meet the guy I'm subbing for next week, I took a stroll around Little Europe and found the Frog 2 pub. There's a little section on the side with bookshelves and its a good place to chill out and read and have coffee. All they need is a couple of couches. On the shelf next to my table there was a book calld "The Introvert Advantage" about how one quarter of people are introverts, and it's nothing to be ashamed of, and you can learn how to use it etc... I skimmed through the first chapter "Are you and Innie or an Outie" and well it turns out that your's truly is actually an Innie. I'm kind of disappointed to find that I am introverted. For a couple of reasons: It does not look good in job applications, and it decreases my chances of finding a guy. It does explain a few things though, eg prefering small intimate gatherings rather than large ones, and having fewer but more intimate relationships with people. Well, well, well. But we're also supposed to be more creative and imaginative so I don't give a sh/t :-) Mwha ha ha!
I visited that school near the sculpture park yesterday. It's in the middle of nowhere so I decided I didn't want the job before I even parked my scooter. So I strolled in going "you want me baby? you're gonna have to pay!" But then I had to demonstrate how I'd teach this stupid dialogue about Christmas presents and that's when my cool and indifferent exterior crumbled and the power jumped off my shoulders, crawled across the desk, and shifted itself over to the office lady giving me the interrogation. Oh damn my ultra-cool I'm too good for this job face melted away and they said they'd call me. It was awfully nice of them to warn me about the demo. That's right - I still don't want to work for those middle of nowhere losers, printing their own B-grade textbooks lacking in method and evidence of a thorough understanding of the English language. Mwah hah ha!!
I'm reading Trainspotting at the moment. I love it to death and I strongly recommend it to all one and a half of you who are reading my boring online diary right now instead of doing something more productive like sending email forwards or playing solitaire. The best part so far is the page written from Begbie's point of view where he's in some pub and all he can think about his how much he wants to bash some guy because of something dorky the guy said 10 years ago. You see what is going through the mind of a psycho. Irvine Welsh is a cool dude! ¶ 14:02 0 Comments
I visited that school near the sculpture park yesterday. It's in the middle of nowhere so I decided I didn't want the job before I even parked my scooter. So I strolled in going "you want me baby? you're gonna have to pay!" But then I had to demonstrate how I'd teach this stupid dialogue about Christmas presents and that's when my cool and indifferent exterior crumbled and the power jumped off my shoulders, crawled across the desk, and shifted itself over to the office lady giving me the interrogation. Oh damn my ultra-cool I'm too good for this job face melted away and they said they'd call me. It was awfully nice of them to warn me about the demo. That's right - I still don't want to work for those middle of nowhere losers, printing their own B-grade textbooks lacking in method and evidence of a thorough understanding of the English language. Mwah hah ha!!
I'm reading Trainspotting at the moment. I love it to death and I strongly recommend it to all one and a half of you who are reading my boring online diary right now instead of doing something more productive like sending email forwards or playing solitaire. The best part so far is the page written from Begbie's point of view where he's in some pub and all he can think about his how much he wants to bash some guy because of something dorky the guy said 10 years ago. You see what is going through the mind of a psycho. Irvine Welsh is a cool dude! ¶ 14:02 0 Comments
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
The demo went OK yesterday. I had to explain the distinction between plurals and singular nouns coz Chinese ain't got none! In the 15 minutes they gave me I looked over the teachers' guide, asked for some stupid flash cards, then walked in. Well I couldn't remember anything I had read in the teachers' manual so I started off by asking everyone their names, ages, and hobbies. Then I grabbed a couple of flash cards and held them up, smiled, pointed, and said "Look, here's a CAT. I like CATS" a million times with a few variations until time was up. Grace my new boss said it was OK that I was crap because there was not much I could have really done without preparing so I scored myself 6 hours of work a week. It was kind of scary seeing this guy there that was there when I subbed last year because as he waited for the bus with me he kind of asked me out and gave me his number but I never rang him. I also organised seven and a half hours a week of kindy teaching starting mid August that pays $35 (AU) an hour. Gee whiz it'll be hard going back to Sydney to be a student again, where there are no such oppurtunities to earn money for being white and opening your mouth. Must try to save it all. I am also seeing a school near Feng Le sculpture park today, they seemed pretty desperate so maybe I can charge them thirty five bucks aswell... MWAH HAH HAH look I'm turning all greedy already. Mmmmmm, free money.
¶ 16:43 0 Comments
Monday, June 07, 2004
Its the last week of term at the language centre. We're just about to finish the last chapter, chapter 12, of business chinese but we've only tested up to chapter 7 so this semester has been breezy. The only things that worried me were my fatigue during class and obsessing everyday over whether to stay or not. Well, today at four I have a teaching demonstration on Wen Xin Road. I subbed there a couple of times last semester and I really liked the place. The kids weren't bad and the classes were small so I really want the job. So anyway if I get it I agree to stay for six months. I've also decided to stick it out at the dorms next semester just because its ridiculously cheap and I'll basically be able to save everything I earn. I'll definitely have to invest in a fan though. I hope I get to stay with the roommates I have now - they're aren't the most exciting roommates but they are both more laid back than the average Tunghai student, less judgemental, a little more open-minded, and have the experience of moving to Taiwan themselves and learning Chinese; and we live pretty harmoniously.
But if I don't find a job, then I think I'll go to China for a while and then jiu hui jia. I need a new culture get into. Besides, my interest in China has always been based on mainland China itself. Beijing and Shanghai, not this superficial trying-to-be Western but totally missing the point bollocks of Taiwan. As I was walking to class this morning I saw a guy wearing a shoulder bag with Mao on it. He said he got it in Hong Kong. I'm sure he was just wearing it the same way 10 year olds wear Che Guevera t-shirts but I still wondered if he would have felt comfortable bringing it into the country 15 years ago.
¶ 14:51 0 Comments
But if I don't find a job, then I think I'll go to China for a while and then jiu hui jia. I need a new culture get into. Besides, my interest in China has always been based on mainland China itself. Beijing and Shanghai, not this superficial trying-to-be Western but totally missing the point bollocks of Taiwan. As I was walking to class this morning I saw a guy wearing a shoulder bag with Mao on it. He said he got it in Hong Kong. I'm sure he was just wearing it the same way 10 year olds wear Che Guevera t-shirts but I still wondered if he would have felt comfortable bringing it into the country 15 years ago.
¶ 14:51 0 Comments
Saturday, June 05, 2004
A friend of ours was in a scooter accident last night. There is a bridge that runs parallel to the Taichung interchange which dodges all the traffic. You can go pretty fast and there aren't alot of other cars around. Somewhere around there he hit the front of a car. His collar bone is broken and he was badly concussed. For hours he couldn't remember what had happened and why he was at the hospital and he kept asking the same questions every five minutes. The helmet was pretty scratched up, and it totally saved his life. Now I b/tch about Taiwan's hospitals. He got moved from the first one because the incompetents there were confused about insurance issues. He wasn't moved as such - it was up to him to do it himself. So the lady of the car he hit took him up to the second hospital. The place didn't even look like a hospital from the outside, it was a scrappy mess, a dump. Reception was a tiny little desk with a nurse sitting there looking at a few papers. The foyer was filled with beds with people in them, mostly old people crashed out. Our friend was left waiting with us at the end of a corridor in front of a vending machine without pain killers for a couple of hours without anyone having told us what was going on. There seemed to be about three quarters of a doctor in the whole place. I don't know, maybe some hospitals in Oz are like that but all the times I went I was pretty much taken care of without being completely ignored . There was a bit of waiting sometimes but there were people there to at least explain what was going on. He's going back to the states in a few days to get some decent people to look at his shoulder.
¶ 16:58 0 Comments
Thursday, June 03, 2004
Hello I did the commercial thing today. It's an ad for a marathon sponsored by mitsubishi so we all had to pretend we were lining up to start a race wearing office clothes. Taipei 101 is in the background. My rendition of an office lady doing warm-up stretches was deemed superb by the crew and I got to spend the rest of the day feeling special and thinking that they had realised they had in fact stumbled across an acting prodigy straight from the hick country town of Taichung. I hope they give me more work. Then I had a coffee and on the bus I fantasised walking down the red carpet at another of my movie premieres in Sydney and up-yoursing anyone I have ever despised for being fake and superficial. Especially those girls at highschool whose mums took them to bimbo dancing classes every Tuesday and considered themselves hot sh/t. Mmmmmmmmm. I'm getting a little ahead of myself. I should probably wait till I'm a genuine authentic movie star before I start bagging. But yeah anyway there was this wanky guy from Texas (well, what do you know, they are all over Taiwan these days) who continued to translate everything the director said despite my having already told him I speak the language. There was also this really nice Italian guy with a beautiful name with whom I hung out afterwards. He wasn't wanky like the other foreigners there etc
Oh speaking of the crew, if you have ever wondered where all the hot locals are, they are all working for production companies. Man, nearly all of them were fantastic, especially the director and this dude that told the kids what to do.
¶ 22:45 0 Comments
Oh speaking of the crew, if you have ever wondered where all the hot locals are, they are all working for production companies. Man, nearly all of them were fantastic, especially the director and this dude that told the kids what to do.
¶ 22:45 0 Comments
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Progess with the whole money-earning self-supporting idea:
I have kind of scored one or two private students. I scored an extra job for a car ad, and two people at the language centre have offered me their jobs, and I got a week of sub work for the end of June. Yay! It's all good. ¶ 13:58 0 Comments
I have kind of scored one or two private students. I scored an extra job for a car ad, and two people at the language centre have offered me their jobs, and I got a week of sub work for the end of June. Yay! It's all good. ¶ 13:58 0 Comments
