Hansel and Gretel

Today my brother Hansel and I went for a stroll through the forest. We had no idea where we were going so we left a trail of cigarette butts behind us to show us the way home. Then this big scary wolf came along and said "Let me come with you guys!!" We felt sorry for the wolf and invited her out of politeness. Later we kind of regretted it. The wolf started making angry demands - she wanted us to change our plans to suit hers... she had to work the same time we were going, so we had to go a day later. We let the wolf know that we were going as planned, and the wolf was not happy, Jan. The claws came out and Hansel became the bad guy, responsible for her decision to not come at all. But when the wolf's claws come out, they stay out. The wolf dressed up as Grandma again, put on her sweet, innocent voice, and told all the animals in the forest that Hansel didn't want her to come, so she wasn't going. The animals all pitied her, and even though they had never met Hansel, were astounded that he could have treated this sweet grandma so terribly. Oh, what a scary nasty wolf we enountered!

Hansel was absolutely stunned, but not really surprised that the wolf was acting this way. After all, she had a reputation for being mentally deranged and twisted, known for launching bizarre attacks on all those she envied, no matter how nice they try to be to her. She also had a history in small-time beauty pageants, as well as in talking about them as enthusiastically as if they had happened yesterday. It was there that she had learnt the skills neccessary to be one hell of a so-and-so and a half, where she sharpened her fangs, and became so fixed on an imaginary goal that she would do anything to destroy obstacles that did not in fact exist.

Hansel knew he was making a mistake by doing business with the wolf, but he did it anyway. He was saddened by his own failure to see the wolf through the grandma outfit, once again kicked himself, and went about refuting the allegations all throughout the forest. Oh, what a strain, to know that once again the wolf was actively defaming him throughout every corner of the forest. For what? He asked. And how was he to tell everyone that the sweet little grandma was in fact a liar with a few issues?

Hansel and I followed the trail of cigarette butts home. Poor Hansel. He was livid. All his animal friends were calling him a terrible little boy and as he did not possess the same skills as the wolf, could not for the life of him think of a way to fight back.

When we got home, Hansel made a few phone calls, and signed up for our local Mr Taichung competition, where he hopes to learn what it is that drives young people today to become psychotic in the pursuit of admiration.

  ¶ 18:23 0 Comments

  I am getting piano lessons off this cute guy from the music club... Also today when I was playing I finally decided to tell the audience that I felt embarrassed with them all sitting there and I think they got the message.   ¶ 15:00 0 Comments

  With Whom the Roommate Chats
By Angst Phlegmingway

Marion saw a story on the news that said picking your nose and eating it is good for you. Maybe I could incoporate my snot into my new diet.

Breakfast: 2 morsels of regular snot with cereal
Lunch: 2 morsels of slimy cold-snot with a chicken sandwich
Dinner: 1 tsp of dried snot sprinkled over beef vindaloo with laksa
Desert: Snot sorbet with Snotty strawberries

Snot funny? Leave a comment.

On Friday we went to the Pig Pen again. Andrew from the language centre went in the stripping competition and came second. I also set out that night to befriend a gangster, and did, which might make me a sociopath but I'm not sure if that's what a sociopath is.

On the weekend I went hiking at Sun Moon Lake. On Saturday night all the old members of the hiking club had a reunion bash and there was another foreigner there which meant I could practise my English along with everyone else there :-)Turned out he was an Aussie too, and he went to Sydney Uni, and he was cute. He explained the concept of the Corn and Carrots Fairy. The corn and carrots fairy according to him is what puts the orange and yellow chunks in your vomit when you are certain you never ate them that day. He was pretty funny. He'd scream out words like fellatio and beaver really loud into the room because he said that no matter how good anyone's English was, noone would know those words.

The next day I got over waking up in a puddle of water which had scarily seeped in while i was asleep, and then climbed this psycho mountain. Hao xinku o!
We are going to Kending on Thursday.... aaaa...

An article about the temple visit on Friday was printed the next day and there's a big fat photo of me and Maryanne doing the divining thing with the Mayor. Maryanne has a stupid look on her face but my hips took up most of the picture. I asked Miss Chen if I looked fat and she told me yes, thanks Chen Taitai, you're the best. Don't they have eating disorders in Taiwan??   ¶ 16:54 0 Comments

  One day Gretel was approached by a talent scout to be in the next Leonardo DiCaprio movie, its true, i'm serious. Then she went back to her dorm, listened to the sound of people coughing up their phlegm in the bathrooms, then went out again. This strange man approached her on the street and offered her two thundred thousand NTs because he had to get rid of it quickly. Off she went to Hollywood. First she visited some old penpals in Virginia and Witchita Falls. She had an outrageous time. After her movie career fizzled out, she went back to uni, wrote a phd on the origins of the chinese language and its influence in hollywood films, then basked in the glory of it all. The phd got published, and after a few edits, became a best seller, setting her up for the rest of her life which was lucky because she had spent all the money she earnt from movies on trying to buy out Cadbury and the associated legal fees. After the years of interviews and parties, she pulled some strings and landed the postion of marketing manager for McDonalds. Their absolute last store, in Gosford, was about to close down, and they needed her to print some flyers and do a letter box drop to try and get a few pensionsers to come and buy a McChicken. After her stint in marketing, she got joined her local Laboral party and worked her way to Prime Minister of Australia, the first woman PM ever. She still had a bit of fame from the movies and the book, and payed Arnold Schwarzeneggar by the hour to give her a bit of advice on how to cash in on that kind of fame. Under her government, world peace was finally attained, and she was worshipped by the whole world. Eventually, the power got to her, she went corrupt, got a bit lazy, and decided to go into retirement. In retirement, she wrote an autobiography about herself, with a special chapter on tautologies in the English language. During her reign as goddess of the world, it was in fact so peaceful that all the resources that would have been spent on guns was spent on finding the elixir of youth instead. As she was indirectly responsible for its discovery, she had a "life-time" supply, and to this day is still alive doing random things like trying decide what she wants to do next, taking art classes, and trying to find a boyfriend.   ¶ 01:40 0 Comments

  Chapter 34: In Which Gretel Gets Used To Help Raise the Profile of a Politician, and In Which Gretel Ponders the Nature of Racial Pride

Today we had a field trip while all the chinese language centres in Taiwan got together for a meeting in Tunghai. We went to Mazu Temple, where the Mayor of Taichung County and the 'Secretary of the Cultural Affairs Bureau' and a bunch of photographers and a news crew were hanging out to get photos with foreigners eg Maryanne and I. Me and my new buddy Mr Mayor used these divining sticks together and did the whole bowing worshipping thing for the cameras. My hair sucked, I didn't have time to brush it this morning, and my cardigan did not go with my pants. But as long as I was born a foreigner, none of it mattered.

At dinner I was asked where my parents were from, "...no not Italy...", and one girl from Eastern Europe said "well in Australia who knows where your ancestors came from?" I think life would be easier if Australia changed its name to something like "Mongrelia", registered its new name with the U.N. and everything, and then maybe noone would bother asking. Then she said, well I think its better to be mixed, and well, I thought to myself, I think its better not to give a flying hoot whether you're a Siamese or a Bonwa*. Although personally I think its more useful not be immediately identifiable.

What does race mean to you? Is it all about pride? If you have never felt racial pride are you missing out on something? Do people feel they don't have enough things to be proud of, then look to themselves and their own existence as a source of pride? How much pride can you derive from simply knowing you share a bunch of physical features with a bunch of other people?

We also made our own cake thingies at a patisserie which were greasy and despite my tremendous threshold for greasy disgusting food I actually felt gross after eating it. Not too worried about the whole diet thing. I took up smoking again and trust me, it works. I never even think about food anymore, and my protruding derrier has already begun to recede.


*Our cat, of feral parentage  ¶ 22:28 0 Comments

  Type Gretel Bobskins into google!!!!  ¶ 22:01 0 Comments

  Betty's Blunders
Blunder #145

Our homework was to write about a holiday. I talked about Bali. I said everything was amazingly cheap there and it was the first time I realised how much more comfortable a place Australia is to live in. Left it on my desk, my Indonesian room mate (the rude one) decided to have a squiz, and was not impressed. Its definitely time to either a) get a lobotomy or b) generally just shut up.   ¶ 21:47 0 Comments

  Today I had a fun couple of hours in class. This week has so far been alot of fun. On Monday Miss L spent the whole hour talking about the election, the shooting, and how Chen Shui Bian sucks. I personally don't go for either the separatists or the reunificationists, I support the "Nationless Nation-ism" ideology. Taiwan is unique in its own unique Taiwan uniqueness uniqueness.

Someone posted a funny picture today on the wall in the language centre. It was a drawing of Chen and the Vice President lady getting it on together in the car in which they were shot, her knee up against his stomach, with the bullet going in between her knee and the stomach - that's why the wounds were so shallow. Anyway, we all thought it was great. But I took Xiao Pi along to show him and he said it wasn't funny at all. This beetle-nut chewing Taiwanese man I had never seen before, appearing from nowhere and staring at the picture, asked me if I knew Chen Shui Bian. I replied no, and he said "Good."

I haven't gotten to know millions of Taiwanese here but all the ones I have known except one have been pro-gmd.

Yesterday we had a giant speaking test where I had to memorise a bunch of stuff. I was last, so I had the whole lesson to look over it. I remembered everything and the teacher was happy, so I was happy.

Today Xiao P who explained to me the storyline of Himalaya, the movie I watched last week in Mandarin subtitles and didn't understand. Qili and I do the same thing with subtitles - as soon as a new line appears, we start reading the end of the sentence because we're afraid that if we start from the front it will all dispappear before we get there. The end result is that your eyes are darting everywhere, you freak out, and don't understand anything.

Then he introduced me to his friend Mavice who is a member of the aerobics club. Xiao Pi is an absolute legend! He has fully adopted my case and is doing more about me getting exercise than I am.
  ¶ 21:09 0 Comments

  The navy is taking John on a one-month clubbing extavaganza around the coast of Australia. So I've decided to join the navy.   ¶ 20:10 0 Comments

  Gretel Bobskins and the "Philharmonia" society


Gretel was never much of a piano player, in fact out of the 8 years she had spent slamming her fists down onto a piano, only two of them were spent learning the odd technique under the supervision of a paid professional.

Back when she was between the ages of Wee Lass and Getting On, Gretel had not touched a piano for over a year and decided to find one. Off she strolled through the Tunghai University campus, looking left, looking right, behind trees, under benches, until she stumbled across a little room with a door onto which were posted the words "Love Music Club".

There were some scary looking people hanging around making a racket inside. Like a big friendly giant, she pointed at the piano, then at herself, and smiled, and nodded, and nodded a bit more.

"180 kuai," they said, "and you can use the piano for three hours a week". Gretel's search was over, what a relief! "But," they added, "you must first come to the meeting on Sunday night, and sign up!"

Gretel dragged her big Western self off to the the meeting which involved a few performances and some crackers.

"But we don't HAVE foreigners in the club!" Cried one girl. In dismay, Gretel pretended she didn't hear, gave the girl her best stupid-looking smile and said "Oh my Chinese isn't very good," and helped herself to another cracker.

"Well, her Chinese isn't that good but she sure knows how to eat" another girl said. Gretel resolved to let them be losers, thinking that she only had to turn up to the meeting and hand over the fee. She could start clanging on Tuesday already!

She finally got to let it all out when her hour arrived on Tuesday. Mozart was turning in his grave but satisfied nevertheless that she had chosen him over Bach.

The guy before her had been playing the 'hard version' of some Rachmaninov really hard concerto song thingy. In A minor. "Wow, I'm so crap compared to him," she thought "but its OK, I'm here to have a little practice, not get handed a bunch of flowers."

Half way through the hour a couple of girls walked in and started hanging out there. "She's awful, I wish she'd hurry up." Gretel was cool with that, she knew it was no good, she was just having a practise.

The next day some different girls came in and briefly discussed Gretel's total lack of ability. Gretel was cool with that, and decided it was more polite to pretend she was unaware of what they were saying.

The next day, some more people came in, made some noise, and confirmed the verdict. "They are right, she really is lousy." Gretel kept playing, but gradually found that even she hated the sound of her own playing. Every mistake became more pronounced, every damper press uglier than the last one, every decision to try another song more silent, every drill more futile, every scale more rythmless than ever before... until she closed the book, turned her body around on the shiny wooden chair, and began to speak. Kind of like the way the chick's head turns around in the Exorcist.

"I'm so glad that I came here to study Portugese. My teachers always said Taiwan was the best place to learn Portugese. The Portugese Language Training Centre up in L Block is amazing, all thirty of the teachers are native Portugese speakers, except one who is Spanish. If I hadn't been studying Portugese for the past two years, I would have no idea what Portugese people were saying. If only my Chinese was as good as my Portugese! If you want, maybe we could do a language exchange - I can teach you Portugese, and you can teach me Chinese. Come to think of it, it absolutely never crossed my mind to learn Chinese, especially since I've already lived here in Taiwan for seven months."

Gretel stopped to breathe and wondered why the mirror hanging on the wall next to her was fogging up. There was indeed a jet of steam shooting out of her left ear. She felt around her right ear, and found the same situation. Both were emitting the sound of a locomotive train, and the mirror gave away the crimson swelling of her face; her eyebrowns, pointed downwards, had reached a new low, and not even on ecstasy had she ground her teeth this hard.

Gretel was angry.

"Well," one replied in English, as she pulled the fluffy thing out of her flute, "I would like to practise my English", seemingly not noticing the state in which Gretel had found herself. She turned to her friend and said "Who wants to teach the peng-peng de foreigner Chinese? I bet its better than her piano playing." They were all too busy chuckling to notice the commotion outside.

The Gretel-mobile had pulled up outside the "Love Music Club" room. One by one, the members of the Gretel Squad entered the room. Each one grabbed a Music Club member, then packed them all away into the G.M. "First stop, Siberia," announced the driver. One of the members was handed a parachute, some bread and some multivitamins, and hastily thrown out of the G.M. midair. The next member was thrown into a tribe of pygmies in the jungles of Africa, the next, into the forests of Papua New Guinea. Before she got thrown out, Gretel took her aside, handed her a phrasebook, and said "Now, consider yourself lucky you're getting a phrase book - we want you to survive the whole year among the cannibals which means you'll need to tell them that you don't want to be eaten."

Each member was also given a mulit-coloured xylophone from Fisher-Price so that they could keep up their music practice over the year.

Gretel arrived back at Tunghai and resumed her racket on the club piano. "Well, that was another job well done, don't you think?"

Lu Cha, her pet turtle, declined to reply, but she needed nobody's reassurance but her own.

  ¶ 17:09 0 Comments

  Kommst mal mit mir fehder stehlen!  ¶ 05:05 0 Comments

  Two people from the Icelandic news called Einar last night, the only Icelander
in Taiwan, to ask what happened with the attempted assasination. They recorded what he said and used it in the news there.

Nobody from Australia called me!! I would make a fantastic foreign
corresondent. "There were people running everywhere, society has run amok, they declared martial law all over again, and people got shot if they were seen on the streets after 11pm, the atmosphere here is intense, we are all afraid,
what... huh... ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!" Crackle crackle. "Ladies and gentleman, it
seems we have lost contact with our most prized correspondent Gretel Bobkins, and she was just starting to lose some serious weight too."

Last night this crazy Italian man ran up to me at the Pig Pen, grabbed my head, and started trying to pash me. Later he ran up on stage while this woman had her turn in the pole dancing competition and tore off her shirt.   ¶ 03:04 0 Comments

  I saw Runaway Jury and its really good so you have to go see it.

St Pat's was on Wednesday and down at O'Changs a crazy man from Canada kept shouting drinks. I kept calling Canada Canadia. Why!!!

I got nearly every word in the last character test wrong and the teacher asked if I had xin shi, something on my mind, as I usually study my buttocks off for every test. She's so nice.

Looks like I'm going down!!! I'm distracted by the prospect of the next 11 months going from Iceland to Germany to anywhere, and then to China and Thailand. I have no money so I will have to sleep under trees, eat bread, and learn how to give a really good massage.

What's your dream!! What's your dream!!!

I had a calligraphy lesson this arvo. Its a lot harder than it looks. Yesterday I crashed a badminton class. I exercised THREE times this week, you bloody legend.

Must waddle off to Fatty's for all you can eat pizza now.  ¶ 22:30 0 Comments

  Hey I know what a loquat is now, but too bad I'll BE IN KENDING on the same day!!!!!!!

The French girls have given in and are coming to beach it for four days on the southern tip of Taiwan. There's a big fat music festival there, (not that interested in it though) and apparently there are always more foreigners than Taiwanese and well today its 33 degrees or something and I'm frustrated that I cannot call Kim and say "I'm catching the bus RIGHT NOW to Copa." (wow, I miss something about Gosford!) Wait the point was that I'm hanging out to go to the beach, especially today.

The first night I arrived in Taiwan, this seedy French Canadian who lived full time at the seedy hostel I was staying at, told me all I needed to know about Taiwan while we drank Taiwan Beer on the roof all night. Indoctrination #1:

1. Taiwan is a land of foreign English teachers, and all the foreigners that come here are in some way classified as a freak (thanks man, welcome to your new home for the next year)

2. Taiwan is a hole and the sole reason people come here is to exploit the demand for English teachers and save money, but they never do anyway coz they spend it on drinks

3. The SPRING SCREAM in Kending every April absolutely goes off and if you don't go there must be something wrong with you

4. Taiwanese chicks go for foreign guys and Taiwanese guys, foreign guys go for Taiwanese chicks, Taiwanese guys go for Taiwanese chicks, and foreign chicks go for foreign guys but not Taiwanese guys. Can you see who is getting the short end of the stick here? haha.. hah hahaha...

Yes Kending was where I spent my second weekend in Taiwan, high off life and St John's Wort hitchhiking and talking to everyone and cycling through the rain and having fags with the local police getting badly sunburnt and meeting Ah Wei hanging on to the shark net who became my psuedo boyfriend for a while.

Kending is like Taiwan's version of the Gold Coast but more Taiwanese and without all the Gold Coastiness.   ¶ 17:09 0 Comments

  My new mission is to write a poem about Loquats for this loquat festival thing in two weeks. There is also a loquat-peeling competition... first prize is 3kg of loquats. Fantastic, I'm ready to break records.

If you know what a loquat is, please leave a comment.

  ¶ 17:08 0 Comments

  On Friday we had Thai and I was in a hypo mood. Half the language centre came as usual, everyone loves it. Marion and i were verging on a food fight but my slowly cultivated sense of self control stopped after the first lime wedge. She came up to me with an ice cube and shoved it down my back and i yelped and put on a good performance but then it dropped down into my pants and that's when things got serious.

My beautiful handsome crush was being beautiful and sexy as usual.
Then we went to the Londoner where you get lots of butch aussies and south africans who want to start brawls etc. One guy came up to us and started hugging Chris as if he wanted to take him home but then snapped and tried to start a fight with the guy i have the hots for. Gender issues!

My roommate was up when I got home. She had woken up early (pretty frickin early) to read the bible. We went to bed at around the same time and I was drunk so I felt like trying to be friendly again. She gets up at 5 all the time to read the bible. Cool.

Waiting for the field trip bus at 7 I saw the basketball courts already packed with people playing. I thought of how Dad used to exasperate "Seize the Day!" and strike the steering wheel with his fist on the way to Liverpool for the weekend. And there I was still drunk wishing I could have a good sleep in. I thought of when John and I used to walk past people having lunch in Darlinghurst while we were trudging around looking for a day club. I want a wholesome lifestyle!!

The field trip.

We went to a mad ceramics museum. There was this caption under a sculpture that said that the reason everything looks blue after we stare at yellow for a while (or something) is because the brain tries to balance out what we experience in order to make sense of it. Maybe it freaks out when people high off ecstacy hence the come down to balance it out.

We had lei cha which is when you grind up tea leaves and nuts etc into a paste mix it with water, chuck in some puffed rice and pearls and drink it. Marion and Aurelie felt that it was abominable, of course!
  ¶ 18:31 0 Comments

  The other day at the language centre I was milling around in the front area when sam's wife came up to where he was standing and sighed and with this understanding smile on his face asked her how she was feeling. I had never seen a man ask a woman how she was feeling in real life. Cool. They are out there!

  ¶ 22:28 0 Comments

  Hello!
Feeling positive today. In denial that Ingunn is leaving. Today I pick up two months worth of scholarship bounty so its a perfect time skip the country. Just kidding. BUT if I relearn German and French and memorise Lonely Planet Iceland, I can go and work in her friend's tourist info office for the Icelandic summer. In Summer in Iceland it is light 24 hours a day.
Tonight we're having a big bash at the little Thai restaurant near the world trade centre.
I broke my diet at lunch. I ordered fruit cake and the lady brought me some waffles with slices of fruit scattered around and doused in wipped cream. The cafes are weird here.

Aaah Karinche I'm glad you like my ranting. I found a birthday present for you I just need to send it.

Jessica Jones the evil psycho tells everyone she sees that I'm not really allowed to be living in the dorms because I'm not a real exchange student. So I thought I would waste my time worrying about it and I wrote a sign to put on the notice board at the language centre:
It has recently come to light that Betty Jones of the Huayu Zhongxin is not in fact a real exchange student but nevertheless resides in the girls' dorms.
As this is a foul injustice to the goodness of humanity, we ask all of you to please consider this to be your own personal business and alert all of those around you to the grave and horrendous nature of the situation.
We hope you find a certain sense of comfort in doing so and continue to enjoy a fruitful and prosperous Second Semester.



  ¶ 16:40 0 Comments

  rules and regulations of the girls dorms

1. You don't chat each other to sleep, then ask "Are you still awake?"

2. You don't say goodnight or good morning or who wants to go and get chocolate

3. You don't do a Year-5 Camp where everyone brings out the lollies and gets hypo till 3am and gets told to shut up by the teacher at least four times

4. You don't talk to foreigners for they are strange and weird

5. You must learn to listen to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack without singing along and Bjork's greatest hits doesn't go down too well either


My English student tested me out by asking me how to spell consensus. I spelt it wrong. When was the last time he had to use that word anyway. I think I feel a bitch coming on.

Sooner or later I will have to break it to him that the Magical English Fairy does not in fact exist, that back in the ages of wizards and sorcerers maybe you could hire any random foreigner and sit back as he turns you into a fluent English speaker, but that was a long time ago and now there is nothing of the sort. Also, one does not offer to pay the Magical English Fairy ten bucks for two hours then get the shits when she can't spell consensus.


Ggggrowl.  ¶ 22:06 0 Comments

  Draft for the Eulogy of my Metabolism

We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Gretel's metabolism and mourn its passing.
For twenty long years it kept the chub off Gretel's waist. Through its hard and dedicated work, there was no chocolate bar too fatty, no fast-food marathon weekend too disgusting, no bag of Skittles too big, to make Gretel put on extra weight. From the days at Monti's when Gretel saw her first dimple of cellulite to the semester of starvation and walking up and down Glebe Point Road all day, Gretel's metabolism worked tirelessly to let her enjoy the finer things in life without having to consider going to a gym.

But all good things must come to an end and it was Gretel's metabolism's time. We first noticed something was wrong when the last button popped off Gretel's last pair of pants and she realised she would have to fork out for a new pair. Her metabolism always seemed so vibrant and flexible and it was a shock to all of us, especially Gretel, when it came to light that Gretel would eventually have to stop stuffing her face everytime she walked past a 7-11.

Thankyou for twenty long years of service to Gretel. We have also received several messages of condolence from Cadbury, KFC and McDonalds.

***********************

Sydney Afternoon Herald, 9/3/04
"GHOST OF GRETEL'S METABOLSIM ROCKS GRETEL'S WALLET"
Local Taichung resident Gretel Bobskins was admitted involuntarily to the Insititute of Stop Buying Junk Food after insane claims that her metabolism is haunting her from the afterlife.
"I swear its taken control of me! Everytime I walk past a convenience store, I feel something grab me by the shoulders and drag me kicking and screaming into to the store. I can't escape it, it could only be an unearthly force that compels me to go in! You've got to believe me!"
Gretel went on to disclose that not only does she get dragged to the door, it takes her all the way to the chocolate section where it forces her to linger in front of a selection of six different Dove bars, Twixes, and some cheap Taiwanese chocolate bars and she must quickly choose, only after doing so can she then be allowed to feel human again.
"Gretel suffers from what we in the weight loss industry call 'I love Chocolate' Syndrome. It affects many women aged between 9 and 99 and if it goes untreated for too long, patients begin to put on weight," Says Dr. Lipo.



  ¶ 15:56 0 Comments

  News for my family:
I went to aerobics/yoga this arvo. I really had no energy and I felt fat so its a sad day for the chocolate industry.

I learnt the word for 'Overseas Chinese student studying in Taiwan' today. Then my lovely roommate who is an overseas chinese student from Indonesia directed me to the memorial hall where there are displays for Overseas Student week. There are Chinese students from Brazil here. I bought some chocolate and some gummi bears from Macau :-)

PS Its actually 5pm Monday not 12pm Sunday



*****************Public vote results are out!***********************

Of a total of 1 (one) vote, the majority were for the "Go to Switzerland and Eat Chocolate" option.

Off to Europe it is, then. Thanks Ella, you're the best. Mum, I'm going to Europe. Its all about when. And getting a teaching job today.

Hmm. I can't afford it. That's cool.

How boring is my new blog?
A) You need some interesting stuff in here
B) Its beyond fascinating
C) What's with the sarcasm?
or D) Stop asking all these questions

  ¶ 18:50 0 Comments

  QUIZ:

Why does my digital camera have a red-eye reduction option on it instead of just making it a given?
Because:

A) Some people just look better with red eyes

B) The more serious photographers among us can learn the ropes of basic photography through the practice of switching between ON and OFF

C) There was a mix-up at headquarters in which Billy's supervisor told him to make one extra space for a feature, six spaces in total, when in fact only five were needed, so after a week long crisis at the Sunny head office, the board voted eight to three that they should designate that space for a red-eye reduction option.

"But what about logic, about common sense, about quality, about freedom, and justice?" Cried Billy.

"No, son, its too late. Maybe if we were a company that actually had a history in photography, rather than a marketing-based company that can get away with selling useless features, we would do something about it. But this is life, son, and my daughter has been bugging me for that new Porsche all damn week."  ¶ 22:12 0 Comments

  PUBLIC VOTE! Please help me make life decisions via the comment box.

What am I going to do during the six months from August to Feb when I start uni again?

A) Go home to Australia, hug my family and make coffee
B) Go to Europe and eat chocolate in Switzerland
C) Stay in Taiwan, do another semester, live down town, drive around on a scooter
or D) Teach English in Beijing

Please explain your answer.   ¶ 23:37 0 Comments

  This is the beginning of my new romance novel!

Betty stood bravely alone in front of the bar while her companion Derek was in the men's. As she expected, he did not promptly resume his place by her side at the bar but stopped to talk to hot babes on the way. Little did she know, which is surprising due to her socially anxious paranoid self-consciousness, that there was in fact a man who had noticed her smiling and laughing at the comedian's jokes and had already resolved to make her his, mingling with his homes in the darkest corner of the pub. So there she stood, impressed by her own performance at being brave, pulling self-confidence out of her ass and recycling every scrap of it that was lying around. Tonight her self-confidence was going paragliding and there was enough wind to sustain it.

Derek got back and talked about his amazingly profound friendship with the host of the show. Usually, Betty would have felt a sense of mean satisfaction when the host, confronted by Derek at the end of the show, failed to recall his name, nor how he knew him, then promised to keep in touch, but instead she just felt a bit sorry for him. Derek was less than he had made out to be. That's fine, she thought, alot of people are.

So who was the man? Who was checking her out from the corner of the room? I hate to say this, oh how I do, but yes, he was tall, dark, and handsome. Its true. He was mysterious too, no shit. More about him later.

That show at the Albrians Pub had made her laugh as hard as she did when she was little - stomach ache on the floor laughter, let's get that seratonin flowing again after that brief brush with ecstacy laughter.

She had to go back!

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  Hello, welcome to my very own blog!
It is a sad day for Lizwa today as my beautiful friend is planning to go back home. We've had fun together and I am going to feel her absence. It almost makes me want to go home too. How nice it would be to breathe in some good clean Australian air and lie on the beach getting a tan without being called "hei hei de."

Last night some language centre guys went to boys' night at the Londoner. Ingunn and I were outraged so we planned our own Lady's night. We saw Stuck On You with Matt Damon. Some parts were really funny. His friend says to him, come on, you haven't had a lay in five years, and his conjoined twin replies, how would you know? Jokes like that.

Then we met Jenny and Julie at the Coconut Forest which is a new club near the Lion King. It looks great inside. Upstairs there are eight rooms for private little parties or cool gangster types and all the common people hang out down stairs. I want to hang out in my own "cool room"! And snort cocaine like they do in the movies and do lots of cool movie stuff. Its still new and it was half empty but it has lotsa potential. They need to get more gangsters in there.

OOh how exciting... my first official post.

PS Yesterday I bought a digital camera!! I took a photo of a photo of Johnny Depp at Shin Guang San Yue and its really super if I do say so myself. I've decided to be an award-winning photographer now... yes, a Chinese-speaking award-winning photographer! How marvelous!  ¶ 18:42 0 Comments