2007-2008 Summer Non-Ratings Period Repeats

I've got to say I was a lot more inspired when I was in Taiwan. Must have been all that iced green tea.

Ask Gretel
Dear Gretel, I'm a Taiwanese internet gamer and I have forgotten what life is. Every day I go straight from my International Trade 101 class to the internet cafe up Lane 3 where I play a stupid game where there's this cartoon guy who walks around collecting things and walks across grass alot. I often fart quite badly when I'm sitting at the computer and I spend pretty much all day in this stenchy fart-filled cafe. There's this foreigner sitting at the computer next to me. I stared over her shoulder for a prolonged period of time, because hey, she's a foreigner, and saw that she was typing emails at hotmail. I tried to read what she was writing but then she started staring back at my computer and that's when I realised how annoying it was. My question is, Gretel, how do I stop farting when I'm in an internet cafe? What is the proper way to manage one's bodily functions when seated inside an internet cafe?
Mind-numbed,
Billy

Dear Billy,
You have what is commonly referred to as "Internet Gaming Obsession Disorder And Related Flatulence". If you remember who your mother is, or what it feels like to be at home with your family instead of falling asleep in front of a computer at 11pm every night, she would tell you that you should watch your farting habits no matter how much time you spend in one place. You may feel like you live there, but the people seated at the computers beside you are not your brothers and sisters, with whom you feel you can let one rip and have a good giggle over it. Remember these tips for tomorrow: Did you eat egg today? Did you spend the required amount of time in isolation following a large serving of curry? When was the last time you ate alot of fruit? I recommend keeping a Fart Diary. That way, you can manage your gaming sessions around your eating habits. If that doesn't work, whenever you feel like one is coming, go to the bathroom, and let it out there. You will find that these are the standards of behaviour in all the best internet cafes and your fellow computer users will be grateful. You never know, that foreigner sitting next to you may one day strike up a conversation with you and before you know it, you will be fluent in English.
Good luck,
Gretel  ¶ 13:57 0 Comments

  Dude I was just amending my resume to send in with my app to enrol at Sydney uni, and discovered that the resume I have sent out to 5 or 6 people in the last week was bloody riddled with mistakes. Obviously that's the last thing you want to happen when the jobs you are applying for are all about attention to detail. I used to have excellent attention to detail. It got me promoted to 'Back Order Girl' at the bookshop years ago. But when you're surrounded by people who don't have it, you start wondering what the use is of even trying, if the place seems to run fine without it. Then you decide that you may as well save a few seconds every day by skimming over things instead of checking, and then it's just a slippery slope. It's kind of like forgetting how to spell after being immersed in Chinese characters for so long, where that part of your brain that you use to spell atrophes from disuse. I never knew I had attention to detail until it was pointed out; I assumed everyone knew how to spell, and that everyone did things properly. But it is in fact not the norm, and you allow yourself to be dragged down just because you feel like there's no point. This is why I sometimes desire to work for a huge elite/ist company like PwC where I could only improve rather than get worse. These companies are where people can spell and use apostrophes properly and take good presentation for granted.

I'll tell you what. I am really fucking sick of eating humble pie right now. Dude, I've had enough of this fucking pie. There's just so much admin you can do before you just say fuck I'd rather go on the dole and be real genuine loser than listen to one person tell me about 'consistency' while another person spells 'Asian' A-i-s-a-n on a flyer advertising the product of a company that specialises in Asian destinations. If I sound too big for my boots, I don't give a shit, it means they're too frickin small.

In conclusion, I feel ambivalent towards all the retards out there who I blame for making it necessary to be screened for retarded-ness every time you apply for a job that you could do after half your brain has been pulled out through your nose, but then again, without retards, people like me would never be managers, because we wouldn't have any retards to actually manage.

I'm sick of the food chain. It's time I made my own!!  ¶ 15:23 0 Comments