Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Ask Gretel
Dear Gretel,
I'm a Taiwanese internet gamer and I have forgotten what life is. Every day I go straight from my International Trade 101 class to the internet cafe up Lane 3 where I play a stupid game where there's this cartoon guy who walks around collecting things and walks across grass alot. I often fart quite badly when I'm sitting at the computer and I spend pretty much all day in this stenchy fart-filled cafe. There's this foreigner sitting at the computer next to me. I stared over her shoulder for a prolonged period of time, because hey, she's a foreigner, and saw that she was typing emails at hotmail. I tried to read what she was writing but then she started staring back at my computer and that's when I realised how annoying it was. My question is, Gretel, how do I stop farting when I'm in an internet cafe? What is the proper way to manage one's bodily functions when seated inside an internet cafe?
Mind-numbed,
Billy
Dear Billy,
You have what is commonly referred to as "Internet Gaming Obsession Disorder And Related Flatulence". If you remember who your mother is, or what it feels like to be at home with your family instead of falling asleep in front of a computer at 11pm every night, she would tell you that you should watch your farting habits no matter how much time you spend in one place. You may feel like you live there, but the people seated at the computers beside you are not your brothers and sisters, with whom you feel you can let one rip and have a good giggle over it. Remember these tips for tomorrow: Did you eat egg today? Did you spend the required amount of time in isolation following a large serving of curry? When was the last time you ate alot of fruit? I recommend keeping a Fart Diary. That way, you can manage your gaming sessions around your eating habits. If that doesn't work, whenever you feel like one is coming, go to the bathroom, and let it out there. You will find that these are the standards of behaviour in all the best internet cafes and your fellow computer users will be grateful. You never know, that foreigner sitting next to you may one day strike up a conversation with you and before you know it, you will be fluent in English.
Good luck,
Gretel ¶ 20:57
Dear Gretel,
I'm a Taiwanese internet gamer and I have forgotten what life is. Every day I go straight from my International Trade 101 class to the internet cafe up Lane 3 where I play a stupid game where there's this cartoon guy who walks around collecting things and walks across grass alot. I often fart quite badly when I'm sitting at the computer and I spend pretty much all day in this stenchy fart-filled cafe. There's this foreigner sitting at the computer next to me. I stared over her shoulder for a prolonged period of time, because hey, she's a foreigner, and saw that she was typing emails at hotmail. I tried to read what she was writing but then she started staring back at my computer and that's when I realised how annoying it was. My question is, Gretel, how do I stop farting when I'm in an internet cafe? What is the proper way to manage one's bodily functions when seated inside an internet cafe?
Mind-numbed,
Billy
Dear Billy,
You have what is commonly referred to as "Internet Gaming Obsession Disorder And Related Flatulence". If you remember who your mother is, or what it feels like to be at home with your family instead of falling asleep in front of a computer at 11pm every night, she would tell you that you should watch your farting habits no matter how much time you spend in one place. You may feel like you live there, but the people seated at the computers beside you are not your brothers and sisters, with whom you feel you can let one rip and have a good giggle over it. Remember these tips for tomorrow: Did you eat egg today? Did you spend the required amount of time in isolation following a large serving of curry? When was the last time you ate alot of fruit? I recommend keeping a Fart Diary. That way, you can manage your gaming sessions around your eating habits. If that doesn't work, whenever you feel like one is coming, go to the bathroom, and let it out there. You will find that these are the standards of behaviour in all the best internet cafes and your fellow computer users will be grateful. You never know, that foreigner sitting next to you may one day strike up a conversation with you and before you know it, you will be fluent in English.
Good luck,
Gretel ¶ 20:57
