Sorry I deleted that last post and couldn't go back to it. I thought it revealed too much of the inner workings of my brain to put on a blog. First I think noone's reading this then I discover there are a few and think gee I better delete that!

It was mainly about how older generations think any mental illness can be categorised as a breakdown or a harmless attention-seeking bout of depression. It will take another episode till a doctor susses out my history and I get diagnosed with schizophrenia and when in a few years the doctor suggests I try going off my medication again and I have another episode, only then will people realised that perhaps I'm not deliberately pretending to be psychotic for attention. This is something that really really gets to me. To be doubted in this way is one of the most nightmarish feelings I've ever experienced. Who wants to be locked up for three weeks and take injections in the butt everyday? Realising that the big male nurses manhandling you the first time in order to politely tell you you have no choice in the matter is completely legal. God help me.

Speaking of god, there is a documented link between psychosis and spirituality. When I had my little spiritual experience lying awake on my bed in Dongbie who would have thought that that may or may not have been the humble beginnings of my psychotic future. Hey get this, I can now type psychotic without looking. Sad. It felt good to say I was officially no longer an aetheist but now I realise it may well have been the case that my mind was playing tricks on me.  ¶ 09:34